” Babies and children need someone to copy happiness from and someone to be happy with. ”
Mary e Robert Goulding
In Italy, a public and political debate is starting on the legitimacy that LGBT families may or may not be recognised in their parental role by the institutions. Some attempts to legislate in this regard were made a few years ago but have not led to a clear statement by the state.
In this period, public attention has again been interested in the subject, following the controversy raised by DDL Zan (which has nothing to do with this topic). If on the one hand the legislative vacuum leaves many families and children alone and without protection, on the other hand there are those who affirm that children need a mother and a father to grow up, referring to the traditional family, consisting of a mother. and a biological father.
At this point, perhaps, it is good to question ourselves and try to understand together what children need, to fully develop their potential and become satisfied adults.
Before starting this path, it is good to ask what is meant by traditional families, and conversely, to understand what non-traditional families are.
The traditional family consists of a biological mother and father united in marriage. The traditional family, although statistically represents the norm, does not represent the family varieties that have developed over the last fifty years. Since the 1970s, there has been a slow and profound transformation of the family structure.
Today, in fact, we speak of new families, to indicate all family structures other than the traditional family. With the legalization of divorce, there has been an increasing number of new families, made up of single mothers or fathers, cohabiting couples, people who have remarried and have given birth to a new family unit, sometimes made up of children from previous relationships. As the medical technique has developed, it has been possible to conceive through assisted fertilization techniques (in Italy now this technique is forbidden to singles and homosexual couples). Furthermore, more and more LGBT families have children, either because they were conceived from previous relationships, or with assisted fertilization techniques performed abroad.
Although these phenomena are now widespread in society, there are no laws (in Italy) that protect the rights of minors and families in many of these contexts.
Consider, for example, that the law that equates children born out of wedlock is only nine years old. This means that from (only) nine years old children out of wedlock can have the father’s surname, participate in the inheritance and have the right to kinship (this means that up to nine years ago these children could not legally have grandparents or of the uncles).
Why is this premise important? The factors that determine the healthy psychological growth of an individual also concern the environment, understood as society and sociality, in which it grows. For example, in the United Kingdom there is a lot of attention to discrimination, so much so that the National Health System website dedicates an information space on possible paths to become parents for LGBT families, single women and cases of co-parenting. Although the law in the UK is in favour of LGBT communities, deep prejudices persist today. Furthermore, adults belonging to LGBT communities often carry with them the traumas due to the stigmatization they suffered as young people, both on the part of society and on the part of their family.
Susan Golombok has collected the most authoritative research in the psychological field, regarding the factors that favour or disadvantage the growth of children.
It was found that the factors that favour the healthy psychological development of children are determined by intricate relationships between social, environmental and genetic factors.
An important role is played by parents. If they have a conflict relationship, it has been seen that children tend to be more disobedient, aggressive, have difficulties in school and socially, as well as a greater propensity to develop anxiety and depression. Parents’ mental health is also important to foster psychological balance in their children. Many studies have focused on parents with depression; in these cases, it has been found that children are less happy and active and may induce other adults to act with less vivacity and enthusiasm towards them.
The relationship that is established between parent and child is another important factor. This relationship begins to build already at birth. In psychology, this relationship is defined in terms of attachment *, which can be (mainly) secure, insecure, or ambivalent. In general, it has been seen that the type of attachment that is established in early childhood is quite stable over the course of life. When the main parental figure demonstrates an attitude of sensitivity and concern towards the infant, and proves to be engaged in the relationship, through caresses, smiles and words, children are more likely to develop a secure attachment. Developing a secure attachment means building a more secure self-image and internalizing the attitude of availability and sensitivity shown by the primary caregiver. These characteristics mean that, once adults, the person can overcome their sufferings more easily and to react better in the face of life’s adversities.
The educational modalities chosen by parents also have an impact on the psychological development of children. Four main educational styles have been identified, which have an impact on the growth of children. Permissive parents are loving, but they ask little of their children who tend to be little interested in results and self-affirmation. Authoritarian parents are controlling towards their children, little inclined to bargaining and use punishment a lot. In this case the children tend to be more rebellious, socially incompetent and dependent. Indifferent parents have attitudes of rejection and neglect towards their children and do not control what they do. Children often develop emotional and behavioural problems and more often have poor academic results. Authoritative parents control the behaviour of their children, are open to bargaining rather than imposing punishment or their power. In this case the children are more likely to develop psychosocial skills, to know how to control themselves, to be responsible and generally show a greater propensity to cooperate and to be self-confident.
From the point of view of the environment, it has been seen that children raised in poverty are more likely to develop aggressive behaviours, emotional difficulties and mental pathologies, such as anxiety and depression. It has been found that this is often determined by the difficulty of parents, being in conditions of poverty, to respond appropriately to the needs of the child and to implement appropriate parenting styles.
Furthermore, we must not underestimate the innate ability of some children, who manage to develop self-confidence and good psychological development even in extremely adverse conditions, this natural predisposition to react positively to adverse events is called resilience.
Other studies have focused on the development of children in LGBT families. To do these studies, entire families, traditional and new families, have been followed for years (longitudinal studies). Scholars considered many variables, such as attachment, parenting style, gender of parents, sexual orientation, family structure, etc. to determine whether children raised in LGBT families have a normal development like children born and raised in traditional families. These studies found that new families (particularly single mothers, lesbian mothers, and gay parents) were characterized by good parenting and well-adapted children. This is also since the parents were much better prepared for the much desired and long planned parenting task. It has also been seen that the stigmatization by society of families with same-sex parents has negative repercussions on children, such as emotional problems and inappropriate behavioural behaviour. However, when parents were able to establish positive relationships with their children, build a social network of peers and extended family, find support in educational institutions and in the community close to the family, together with fair legislation for these families, the stigmatization of LGBT families had no adverse effects on children.
Ultimately, it does not matter what family structure the children grow up in. As long as one or more parent figures are able to build a relationship based on trust and acceptance and are able to understand each child’s individual needs and provide for their needs, you will most likely have psychologically well-adjusted individuals. It is also important to be honest with your children about their conception (adoption, assisted fertilization, gestation for others, etc.) from early childhood, with a language that they understand. This helps build a solid and serene self and build a child-parent relationship of trust.
If you want to know more, contact me.
* attachment indicates the way children relate to the primary parental figure and is established by observing the children’s reactions to the presence / absence of the primary parental figure in stressful situations, such as the presence of strangers.
Bibliography
Baiocco, R. (2015). Lo sviluppo dell’identità sessuale e l’identità di genere. Astrolabio.
Golombok, S. (2016). Famiglie moderne: genitori e figli nelle nuove forme di famiglia. Elsevier Italia.
Golombok, S. (2017). Parenting in new family forms. Current opinion in Psychology, 15, 76-80.
https://www.associazionelucacoscioni.it/cosa-facciamo/fecondazione-assistita/fecondazione-assistita
https://www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/trying-for-a-baby/having-a-baby-if-you-are-lgbt-plus/
Lingiardi, V. (2019). Io, tu, noi: Vivere con se stessi, l’altro, gli altri. Utet.
Todd Matthew (2021). The big issue: When gay doesn’t mean happy. Therapy Today, vol. 32, issue 5, pp. 18-21.
Dr Vanessa Pozzali 